The mania to learn standard English has even induced changes in the Korean language, like "goose fathers." These are dads who work in South Korea and fly to the United States for seasonal reunions with their kids - who have been transplanted to the America just to learn English.
This flap about a flap of skin in South Korea is just one example that English has become the closest thing this planet has ever had to being a universal language. Like it or curse it, about one out of every six of us riding this planet use English in some form. 51.5 percent of those people learned English as a second (or third or fourth) language. China and India each have more English speakers than the United States!
A little more than 1,000 years ago, the Vikings conquered England. Today it's the English are conquering Scandinavia, through their language. Most of the children in Norway, Finland, Sweden and Denmark learn English by the age of 10, partly because larger businesses require English to be used as the official language.
Recently, some organizations in Germany joined forces to compile a list of the hundred words that best reflect the 20th century. AIDS, beat, bikini, camping, comics, computer, design, Holocaust, image, jeans, pop, single, sex, star, stress -- English words that became part of the German language during the past hundred years -- are featured in the list. "I think that language is a mirror of history, and these words reflect that," observed the head of the Society for German Language. "The English language has become a lingua franca, a language that the whole world understands."
A professor of English emeritus at National Taiwan University fears that the spread of English is doing subtle damage: "China has always been a civilization of great politeness and courtesy," she sighed. "But now our young people through the English they're studying, are learning to be so off handed. They say 'Hi' to everyone they greet, and everything is 'OK.'"
Horrors!
Teaching English as a second language has become a multimillion-dollar business the world over. Reported the director of Bogota's Winston-Salem Language School, "English is the most profitable business in Colombia - next to drug trafficking, of course." The majority of best-selling songs world wide have English titles. "English was lyrics to me before it was a language," said the lead singer for a popular Japanese group.
Moscow Radio has been running a series of programs designed to teach the essential vocabulary of capitalist society. "Trading Words" teaches its eager listeners the meanings of phrases such as "Let's talk about that over lunch" and "Do we have a deal?"
Cuba has been replacing the teaching of Russian with the teaching of English. In discussing the role of English in Cuba's elementary-school curriculum, Fidel Castro commented, "Although we might not like it, it's a universal language, much easier to learn than Russian and more precise above all in technical matters."
India, with 179 languages, relies on English to unify the country. "I could never have married my husband without it," said one Indian woman. "He comes from the north and speaks Hindi. I'm from the west coast and speak Konkani. I still have trouble speaking with his mother, although I suppose that's not such a bad thing."
The English language continues to be one of the world's great growth industries, adding about a thousand new words a year to its word store and, since World War II, garnering new speakers at an annual rate of more than two percent. Over the course of a millennium and a half, it has evolved from the rude tongue of a few isolated Germanic tribes into an international medium of exchange in science, commerce, politics, diplomacy, tourism, literature and pop culture. If our descendants ever make contact with articulate beings from other planets and other solar systems, English will beam its vocabulary across outer space and become a truly universal language.
© Richard Lederer
Borge left the world a triple legacy. Born in Copenhagen to a family of musicians, Borge became a fine pianist and conductor. Too, he was that rare comedian who never used foul language and never made fun of anyone. “The smile is the shortest distance between two people,” he observed. Most astonishingly, he became a genius in his second language -- English, which he learned by spending day after day in movie theaters.
Many years ago, Victor Borge created the game of inflationary language. Since prices keep going up, he reasoned, why shouldn't language go up too? In English, there are words that contain the sounds of numbers, such as “wonder” (one), “before” (four) and “decorate” (eight). If we inflate each sound by one number, we come up with a string of puns -- “twoder,” “befive” and “decornine.”
Here is a story based on Borge's idea. This tale invites you to read and hear inflationary language in all its inflated wonder -- oops, make that “twoder” and to remember the linguistically pyrotechnic genius of The Clown Prince of Denmark.
Twice upon a time there lived a boy named Jack in the twoderful land of Califivenia. Two day Jack, a double-minded lad, decided three go fifth three seek his fivetune.
After making sure that Jack nine a sandwich and drank some Eight-Up, his mother elevenderly said, "Threedeloo, threedeloo. Try three be back by next Threesday." Then she cheered, "Three, five, seven, nine. Who do we apprecinine? Jack, Jack, yay!"
Jack set fifth and soon met a man wearing a four-piece suit and a threepee. Fifthrightly Jack asked the man, "I'm a Califivenian. Are you two three?"
"Cerelevenly," replied the man, offiving the high six. "Anytwo five elevennis?" "Not threeday," answered Jack inelevently. "But can you help me three locnine my fivetune?"
"Sure," said the man. "Let me sell you these twoderful beans."
Jack's inthreeition told him that the man was a three-faced triple-crosser. Elevensely Jack shouted, "I'm not behind the nine ball. I'm a college gradunine, and I know what rights our fivefathers crenined in the Constithreetion. Now let's get down three baseven about these beans."
The man tripled over with laughter. "Now hold on a third," he responded. "There's no need three make such a three-do about these beans. If you twot, I'll give them three you."
Well, there's no need three elabornine on the rest of the tale. Jack oned in on the giant and two the battle for the golden eggs. His mother and he lived happily fivever after -- and so on, and so on, and so fifth.
Once upon a time there lived a boy named Jack in the wonderful land of California. One day Jack, a single-minded lad, decided to go forth to seek his fortune.
After making sure that Jack ate a sandwich and drank some Seven-Up, his mother tenderly said, "Toodeloo, toodeloo. Try to be back by next Tuesday." Then she cheered, "Two, four, six, eight. Who do we appreciate? Jack, Jack, yay!"
Jack set forth and soon met a man wearing a three-piece suit and a toupee. Forthrightly Jack asked the man, "I'm a Californian. Are you one too?"
"Certainly," replied the man, offering the high five. "Anyone for tennis?"
"Not today," answered Jack intensely. "But can you help me to locate my fortune?"
"Sure," said the man. "Let me sell you these wonderful beans."
Jack's intuition told him that the man was a two-faced double-crosser. Tensely Jack shouted, "I'm not behind the eight ball. I'm a college graduate, and I know what rights our forefathers created in the Constitution. Now let's get down to basics about these beans."
The man doubled over with laughter. "Now hold on a second," he responded. "There's no need to make such a to-do about these beans. If you want, I'll give them to you."
Well, there's no need to elaborate on the rest of the tale. Jack zeroed in on the giant and won the battle for the golden eggs. His mother and he lived happily forever after -- and so on, and so on, and so forth.
© Richard Lederer
* Has Elvis Presley achieved such immortality because “Elvis lives” is an anagram of itself?
* H. Rider was Haggard, but Thomas was Hardy.
* Oscar was Wilde, but Thornton was Wilder.
* Dame May was Whitty, but John Greenleaf was Whittier.
Let’s have some fun with the names of our current candidates, which both happen to be four-letter words:
Al Gore’s name spoonerized is “galore,” which turns out to be a clever Al Gore rhythm. Anagram Gore’s last name, and you come up with the palindrome “Ergo ogre.” This year Republicans are experiencing Al Gore-aphobia, but are hoping to Bush whack the opposition.
George Bush’s name anagrammed becomes “He bugs Gore” and, adding the “W,” “He grew bogus,” which I realize you may interpret as a Bush league prey on words. Switching first letters of the candidates’ last names, we discover that one will Gush and the other will Bore. Looks like we're in for a Gore-Tex campaign. I hope it doesn't leak. I predict that at the end of the campaign. Gore will be bushed and Bush will be gored. Then we’ll have either four Gore years or rule by a son of a Bush.
In Roman times, when a candidate for office went to the Forum, he wore a bleached white toga, to symbolize his humility, purity of motive and candor. The original Latin root, “candidatus,” meant “one who wears white,” from the belief that white was the color of purity. There was wishful (and wistful) thinking even in ancient Roman politics, even though a white-clad “candidatus” was accompanied by followers who bribed and bargained to gain votes for the candidate.
What's in a president's name? Plenty, when you start anagramming the monikers of our twentieth-century chief executives. Some anagrams work better grammatically than others; some are more appropriate to the particular president:
| Theodore Roosevelt | LOVED HORSE; TREE, TOO |
| William Howard Taft | A WORD WITH ALL: I'M FAT |
| Woodrow Wilson | O LORD, SO NOW WWI |
| Warren Gamaliel Harding | REAL WINNER? HIM A LAGGARD |
| Calvin Coolidge | LOVE? A COLD ICING |
| Herbert Clark Hoover | O, HARK, CLEVER BROTHER |
| Franklin Delano Roosevelt | ELEANOR, KIN, LAST FOND LOVER |
| Harry S Truman | RASH ARMY RUNT |
| Dwight David Eisenhower | HE DID VIEW THE WAR DOINGS |
| John Fitzgerald Kennedy | ZING! JOY DARKEN, THEN FLED |
| Lyndon Baines Johnson | NO NINNY, HE'S ON JOB LADS |
| Richard Milhous Nixon | HUSH -- NIX CRIMINAL ODOR! |
| Gerald Rudolph Ford | A RUDER LORD; GOLF PH.D |
| James Earl Carter | A RARE, CALM JESTER |
| Ronald Wilson Reagan | INSANE ANGLO WARLORD |
| George Bush | HUGS REB EGO |
| William Jefferson Clinton | JILTS NICE WOMEN; IN FOR FALL |
© Richard Lederer
Here, verbatim, is Ann Landers’ reply to her concerned reader’s complaint:
“DEAR ENGLISH MAJOR: You are a purist, a dying breed, and I share your pain. Unfortunately, when people see a word misused or misspelled time after time, they become accustomed to it. Thanks to my readers, I’ve seen ‘grateful’ misspelled so many ways, I’m not sure what is right anymore. You ask what can be done about the mistakes we see in print. The answer is, ‘Very little.’”
Today I use this space to respond to Ann Landers’ response.
DEAR ANN LANDERS: Knowing that you are a widely read and respected columnist who from time to time prints letters from readers about the abuse of language, I am surprised by and disappointed in your answer to “English Major in Ohio.”I am aware that English is a living language. Like a tree, language sheds its leaves and grows new ones so that it may live on. But to recognize the reality of and the need for change does not mean that we must accept the mindless permissiveness that pervades the use of English in our society.
Correct usage is written on the sand. The operative words here are “written” and “sand.” It may be that the sand will one day blow away or erode, but at any given moment the sand exists and so does the code.
“I was graduated from” was once the educated idiom; nowadays “I graduated from” is not only acceptable, but more appropriate. “Due to” is loudly knocking on the door of the house once occupied by “because of” and, for most of us under 50, what was once almost universally called a lectern has transmogrified into a podium.
But the differences between “bananas” and “banana’s” and between “its” and “it’s” are not the windy suspirations of what you call a purist; these differences are aspects of basic literacy. To announce to your gazillions of readers that we should shrug our collective shoulders at widespread usage errors because people become “accustomed to” them and that “very little” can be done about such atrocities is to do a disservice to the English language and those who speak and write it.
The United Press International Stylebook cautions, “A burro is an ass. A burrow is a hole in the ground. As a [writer], you are expected to know the difference.” Anyone who strives to speak and write standard English should know the difference between “its” and “it’s” because that choice will powerfully affect (not “effect,” although many writers misuse that word) both the meaning of a statement and the impression conveyed by the writer.
In the following sentences, which dog has the upper paw?: (1) A clever dog knows its master. (2) A clever dog knows it’s master. The answer, of course, is the second sentence, because it means “A clever dog knows it is master.” The use of the apostrophe makes a crucial difference in the meaning conveyed. Moreover, such distinctions have an effect (not “affect,” although many writers misuse that word) on the way others view the speaker or writer. I believe that people who call themselves “RElators” sell fewer houses than realtors -- and that the store that advertises “banana’s” will not sell as many bananas as the one that goes bananas.
Centuries ago, Confucius observed, “If language is not correct, then what is said is not what is meant; if what is said is not what is meant, then what must be done remains undone; if this remains undone, morals and art will deteriorate; if justice goes astray, the people will stand about in helpless confusion. hence, there must be no arbitrariness in what is said. This matters above everything.”
I side with Confucius against the kind of confusion in language that your dismissive and permissive statement engenders. Dear Ann, if you happen to read this statement, I’ll be grateful if you will reconsider what you wrote to that caring and careful English major in Ohio. And please don’t tell us that you, who express opinions that change lives, can no longer distinguish “grateful” from “gratefull” from “greatful.”
-- ENGLISH LOVER IN SAN DIEGO
© Richard Lederer
Halloween is a time when we conjure up visions of all manner of ghoulies and ghosties and long-leggety beasties. Along with Dracula (whom I wrote about last Halloween), the most popular of these grotesques is the Frankenstein monster, not to be confused with Victor Frankenstein, his creator.
Despite his evil reputation, Dr. Victor Frankenstein actually had a good sense of humor; he kept his monster in stitches. Frankenstein was also a philanthropist because he founded the first organ donor program - a dead giveaway to his good heart. He also loved his dog - a black Lab, of course. And when the monster rose from the table and spat on the ground, the proud doctor exclaimed, "It's saliva! It's saliva!"
Doctor Frankenstein's assistant, Igor, was also a doctor and together they were a pair o' docs. When they decided to stop making monsters, Igor found a new job at an auto dealership as parts manager.
Even though Frankenstein's monster's twisted body strikes us as shocking and re-volting, he had his heart in the right place. In fact, he once had a ghoul friend to take out for a frank 'n' stein. He just couldn't resistor. Now he has a new ghoul friend named Endora. He'd previously dated a lady scarecrow but went from rags to witches.
Sensitive fellow that old Zipperneck was, he also developed an identity crisis. He kept hoping that he had a mummy and dead-y, but they never appeared. So he went to a psychiatrist to see if he had a screw loose. One day he decided to take the five o-clock train. But the authorities made him give it back. Actually, the townspeople came to love Frankenstein's monster; to a man they carried a torch for him.
Ultimately, the government re-monster-ated Doctor Frankenstein and sued for custody of his amazing creation. Since both parties demanded sole custody in the Frankenstein lawsuit, the judge called for a sword-of-Solomon socket wrench and ruled an equitable split: The government was granted permission to raise the creature's grotesque body, while Victor reared its ugly head.
Almost as central in our popular culture is the image of the werewolf. Did you know that werewolves love to eat sheep because they can dine and floss at the same time?
One day a fellow went to a clinic and complained, "Doctor, doctor! I feel like I'm a werewolf." The doctor replied, "Have a seat and comb your face."
Wolfman lived in San Francisco. When he felt mischievous, he would moon at the bay. Afterwards, he moved to a larger community of werewolves - Howlywood - where he auditioned for bit parts. His vulpine body caused him to soil his clothes frequently, so he had to visit the Laundromat almost every day. He became a washin' werewolf. He also took up clay-spinning as a hobby and became a hairy potter.
One evening Wolfman came home from a long day at the office.
"How was work, dear?" his wife asked.
"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouted.
"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home-cooked meal?" she
asked nicely.
"I'm not hungry!" he snarled. "I don't wanna eat! Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? Huh!"
Then Wolfman started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a titanic rage.
Looking out the window, his wife saw a full moon and said to herself, "Well, I guess it must be that time of the month."
© Richard Lederer
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