I'm pleased to report that in late September, 2009, Howard Books, a division of Simon & Schuster, will be publishing A Treasury for Dog Lovers and A Treasury for Cat Lovers. In these handsome hardcover books I share wit and wisdom and information and inspiration about our most popular and beloved pet companions. The touching stories, fascinating facts, and rollicking humor will stir the soul, stimulate the mind, and tickle the funny bone.
To give you a sense of A Treasury for Dog Lovers, here is my Introduction to the book:
The United States is a nation of dog lovers. About 77 million dogs live here, and more than six million Canine Americans are born here each year. More than one in three American families (39%) own a dog, the highest dog population in the world. Our mass caninophilia (love of dogs) speaks volumes about America. "The greatness of a nation and its moral progress," said Mahatma Gandhi, "can be measured by the way in which its animals are treated." Six out of every ten American households are graced by pets, whereas only three of every ten have children. Each year we spend more than 43 billion dollars on our pets, including 8 billion on dog food and 4 billion on cat food, more than we spend on baby food. Based on an average life span of eleven years, the cost of owning a dog is $13,350.
In our nation, 91% of dog owners speak baby talk to their dogs and buy them gifts. According to other surveys, 70% of people sign their pet's name on greeting and holiday cards, and 58% include pets in family and holiday portraits. An American Animal Hospital Association poll found that 33% of dog owners admit to talking to their dogs on the phone and leaving answering machine messages for them while away. An estimated one million dogs in America have been named as primary beneficiaries in their owners' wills. In 2007, hotel heiress Leona Helmsley left $12 million to her dog, a white Maltese named Trouble.
Why do we love thee, doggies? Let us count the ways. Dogs are highly companionable, obedient, and playful animals. No other creature on earth shares our homes and our lives the way dogs do. The partnership is unique in interspecies relationships. The loyalty and devotion that dogs demonstrate as part of their natural pack-animal instincts exemplifies the human idea of love and friendship. Dogs seem to view their humans as members of their pack, and the same goes for most dog owners. To us, dogs are adopted sons and daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours, and possess rudimentary speech.
Dogs show us our finest selves. The romantic poet Lord Byron wrote on the tomb of his Newfoundland: "Near this spot are deposited the remains of one who possessed Beauty without Vanity, Strength without Insolence, Courage without Ferocity, and all the Virtues of Man, without his Vices. This praise, which would be unmeaning Flattery if inscribed over human ashes, is but a just tribute to the Memory of Boatswain, a Dog."
Think about it. We give dogs what time we can spare, what space we can spare, what food we can spare, and what love we can spare. In return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal we human beings have ever made. The least we lucky dog lovers can do is write a book in praise of our best friends. This is that book.
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains;
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles;
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it;
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you any time;
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment;
If you can face the world without lies and deceit;
If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills;
If you can relax without liquor and sleep without the aid of drugs;
If you can find great happiness in the simplest things in life;
If you can forgive any action in the blink of an eye;
If you can repel intruders without using lethal weapons;
If you have no bias against creed, color, religion, politics, or gender;
If you offer unconditional love as naturally as you breathe;
. . . then you are almost as good as your dog.
To give you a sense of A Treasury for Cat Lovers, here is my Introduction to the book:
Two women were conversing in a supermarket aisle:"Horace and I have been together ten years now, and he makes me very happy," one said, "so I don't mind buying him what he likes even if it is more expensive."
"Well, with my Benny I have no choice. He's just plain fussy," her friend replied.
Both women were loading their shopping carts with high-quality cat food.
In ancient Egypt, cats were worshiped as gods, and cats have never forgotten that. Back then, killing a sacred cat was punishable by death. When the family cat died, the entire family would shave off their eyebrows as a sign of mourning. In their cats' burial sites, Egyptians would place embalmed mice as afterlife snacks.
Cats have had their ups and downs. In the Middle Ages, the pagan associations of cats caused them to become outcasts. They were labeled evil creatures.
Today cats have made a spectacular comeback. The cat, not the dog, is now the most popular pet in our nation. Approximately 90 million Feline Americans reside here, compared to 77 million Canine Americans, and - a distant third - 14 million Parakeet Americans. More than one in three U.S. families (34%) are graced by a cat, a higher proportion of households than include children.
Our mass ailurophilia (love of cats) speaks volumes about America. "The greatness of a nation and its moral progress," said Mahatma Gandhi, "can be measured by the way in which its animals are treated." Americans fork out more than 43 billion dollars on their pets each year, spending 8 billion dollars on dog food and 4 billion dollars on cat food, more than on baby food. An estimated one million cats in America have been named as primary beneficiaries in their owners' wills.
Such devotion should come as no surprise. Human beings are fascinated and beguiled by the mysterious aloofness of cats; their swift prowess as hunters; their sensuous, sculpted bodies; their elegant, acrobatic grace and agility; their kittenish curiosity and mischief; and their regal dignity. Our lives with cats are not only ennobled; they are made longer: Studies show that owning a cat alleviates loneliness, anxiety, and depression; reduces stress, high blood pressure, and heart disease; and adds six months to the average person's life.
For us cat lovers (ailurophiles, if you prefer a fancy word for that tribe), magical mystical cats are a blessing to life. They . . .
- warm our laps and our hearts;
- give us someone to talk to and to spoil;
- create a bond with other cat people;
- turn common household objects into cat toys;
- donate their services as alarm clocks;
- are living adornments of our homes;
- keep mice on the run;
- remind us that there are still wild things in our world;
- remind us that life is mysterious;
- inspire poets, writers, moviemakers, creators of musical theater, artists, and cartoonists;
- and hold the purr strings to our hearts.
© Richard Lederer
Yf they saye the mone is blewe
We must beleve that it is true.
At first, then, it was ridiculous to think of the moon as blue, and a blue moon was as absurd as one made of green cheese. When the expression "till a blue moon" came on the scene in the early 19th century, it still meant "never" rather than "rarely."
Nowadays "once in a blue moon" translates best into W. S. Gilbert's famous line from "H.M.S. Pinafore": "What, never? Well, hardly ever." Perhaps that slight but crucial change in meaning was influenced by the observation that, on rare, unusually clear nights, the moon does seem to have a blue tinge. Others say that very special conditions -- ice crystals, cloud banks, or dust high in the air -- can turn the moon blue.
Words wander wondrously, and during the 20th century "blue moon" transmogrified yet again. A full moon comes every 29 and 1/2 days, when the earth's natural satellite is opposite the sun in the sky. Thus, any month except February can see two full moons. Still, two full moons in a single month occur approximately every 32 months. Gradually, the label "blue moon" became attached to that second full moon.
As the conjunction of heavenly bodies would have it, a full moon greeted the start of this year, on January 1, and now we will have a second one in the same month. Look out the window on Sunday, January 31, gentle reader, and you may well see a blue moon -- the clich‚ made reality.
And now the paradox of paradoxes: Incredibly, after a February of no full moon, another blue moon will occur just two months from now, on March 31. It truly is only once in a blue moon that we have two blue moons in the same year, let alone only two months apart.
Astrologers, vampire novelists and others fascinated by mysticism hold that the moon exerts a special pull not only on the tides, but on human affairs. Indeed, the word lunatic descends from the Latin luna, because it was believed that recurrent attacks of insanity were brought about by the varying phases of the moon. Prolonged exposure to the moon rendered one "moonstruck."
Lorentz Hart and Richard Rodgers may well have benefited from such superstitions. Their song "Blue Moon" (1934), a rewrite of several less successful versions and titles, became one of their first great hits, both endearing and enduring. Elvis Presley's 1961 recording of it sold more than a million discs.
Blue moon,
You saw me standing alone,
Without a dream in my heart,
Without a love of my own.
Each of the following clues yields a word or phrase that contains the word "moon." Shoot for the moon and get them all right. Answers repose at the end of this column.
1. a trip taken by newlyweds
2. working two jobs
3. illegally distilled liquor
4. to spend in idle reverie
5. sweet treat
6. star baseball pitcher
7. Cher movie
8. Andy Williams song
9. James Bond novel
10. John Steinbeck novel
11. W. Somerset Maugham novel
12. Wilkie Collins novel
13. a day of the week
Answers
1. honeymoon 2. moonlighting 3. moonshine 4. to moon 5. Moon Pie 6. Blue
Moon Odom 7. Moonstruck 8. "Moon River" 9. Moonraker 10. The Moon is Down 11.
The Moon and Sixpence 12. The Moonstone 13. Monday ("moon day")
© Richard Lederer
Pun and Games is a book of word play designed for children 10 years old and up. Children of this age have enjoyed Anguished English and Get Thee To a Punnery, but I did not write those books for them. In fact, there are hardly any invitations to word fun out there that target this age group. That's a shame, because middle schoolers are naturally playful users of language and take delight in messing around with words.
Pun and Games introduces young readers to the major types of word play -- homographs, homophones, double-sound puns, and spoonerisms. An assortment of amusing and challenging games ("Pun Fun") solidifies each concept explained, and I frequently invite the reader to create challenges of their own ("Your Turn"). As the ancient Chinese proverb proclaims, "Tell me, I forget. Show me, I remember. Involve me, I understand."
To begin at the beginning, here's the first chapter of Pun and Games. I invite you to invite the 10-13-year-olds in your life to share the text that follows. For you adults out there, the material may enkindle some pleasant memories.
Whether the weather is good,
Or whether the weather is not;
Whether the weather is cold,
Or whether the weather is hot;
We'll weather the weather,
Whatever the weather,
Whether we like it or not!
You have been speaking, hearing, and reading puns most of your life. When you were very young, you probably chanted songs like
Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear.
Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair.
Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn't fuzzy, was he?
and
A sailor went to C-C-C,
To see what he could C-C-C,
But all that he could C-C-C
Was the bottom of a great blue C-C-C.
These verses are children's first attempts to put into memorable form their pleasure in discovering that the same sound can suggest two or three different meanings -- Wuzzy and was he; C, sea, and see.
Words and sounds that spark forth two or more meanings are called puns. A pun has been defined as a play upon words, a play upun words, and a prey upon words.
Unless you were raised as a hermit (or, if you are a boy, a hismit), you probably recognize many of these traditional riddles:
Now, without any clues, try to guess the answers to these elephant jokes:
Here are fifteen posters and placards that have appeared around the world. They are all signs of our times, times in which we human beings love to fiddle with words and to laugh at the loony tunes that such fiddling produces:
Here are ten more real signs. Supply the missing words.
Answers: 1. dry 2. star 3. false 4. site 5. tock 6. time 7. pool 8. skid 9. bulbs 10. shaping
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