Wise guys of both major sexesAustin is, of course, the capital of Texas and the perfect place for capital pun-ishment. The event, held the first weekend in May nearby the 1891 home of turn-of-the century short story writer O.Henry, began in 1977. The Pun-Off typically attracts upwards of 400 pundits and punheads. "They just keep coming back because everybody is so annual retentive," winks Hallock, the event's lone arranger and cheerman of the bored.. "We don't mind people who are not punsters in the audience because we can enroll them in our Witless Protection Program."
Have traveled to battle in Texas,
With motor-mouths running
And linguistics cunning.
In punning we all find our nexus.What every non-punster suspects is
That surely loud groaning will vex us.
But don't call us "Shirley."
Just show up there early.
Remember our lexis protects us.
As International Punster of the Year, an honor I received in 1990 from the International Save the Pun Foundation, I was invited to judge and to perform during the break between the first and second competitions. I continue to bask in the bright after glow of my rewording experience at the Pun-Off. The throng may be over, but the malady lingers on.
Punsters can compete in two events. In Punniest of Show, entrants have up to two minutes to perform a prepared monologue. In High Lies & Low Puns, punslingers shoot from the quip at each other, two or three at a time, dueling and fooling with a topic given on the spot. Subjects include body parts, music, sports, food and money, and each punslinger is allotted five seconds to fire off a topical prey on words. When contestants run out of bullet surprises, they're outta there. The last punster standing - this year it was Brian Snider, of Austin - wins the coveted first-place trophy. It's shaped like the nether part of an equine -- a blue ribbin' made horseflesh.
Jim Ertner, of Boston, Massachusetts, was voted Punniest of Show, after a tie-breaking clap-off with Tiffany Wimberly, of Fayetteville, Arkansas. Jim is my co-author of The Biggest Book of Animal Riddles, and his beastly monologue reveals what a party animal he is:
There's a little known animal that begins with the letter X. It's actually a Greek swordfish, spelled X-I-P-H-I-I-D-A-E, and it's pronounced ZIFF-EYE-IH-DEE.As Paul Harvey might say, "Now for the rest of the story." I'd like to present an ABC primer on animal puns.
AARDVARK a million miles to put 26 animal puns in alphabetical order. I'd BADGER you and I'd keep CARPING on the subject, until I have no i-DEERs left. I'd have no EGRETs, however, as I FERRET out more animal puns. If necessary, I'd even GOPHER broke. Some may say it's a HARE-brained attempt; but, IGUANA tell you, I'm no JACKASS -- and I KID you not. I'm not doing this for a LARK (although maybe just a MITE).
So don't NAG me. In fact, you OTTER try to PARROT me. But don't QUAIL from the challenge. After all, you don't have to be a RACCOON-teur. So just SALMON up some courage, before you take a TERN for the worse. Don't be afraid of people saying to you, "UNICORNiest person I know." Stop crying and VIPER nose. Then say, "WALLABY a son-of-a-gun," and start singing, "Zip-a-dee doo-dah, XIPHIIDAE ay." Soon you'll be a YAK-of-all-trades, and can put all of these animal puns in a book called "Who's ZOO."
© Richard Lederer
| Charlie Allnut | Catherine Barkeley |
| Rodolphe Boulanger | Elizabeth Bennett |
| Rhett Butler | Emma Bovary |
| Angel Clare | Daisy Fay Buchanan |
| Mr. Darcy | Connie Chatterly |
| Cyrano deBergerac | Eliza Doolittle |
| Arthur Dimmesdale | Dulcinea |
| Ethan Frome | Tess Durbeyfield |
| Jay Gatsby | Catherine Earnshaw |
| Heathcliff | Esmeralda |
| Frederick Henry | Estella |
| Henry Higgins | Jane Eyre |
| Robin Hood | Lara Foedorovna |
| Ivanhoe | Francesca |
| Sir Lancelot | Guinevere |
| Oliver Mellors | Iseult |
| Paolo | Anna Karenina |
| Pip | Maid Marian |
| Quasimodo | Scarlet O'Hara |
| Don Quixote | Hester Prynne |
| Edward Rochester | Rose Sayer |
| Tom Sawyer | Roxanne |
| Tristan | Rowena |
| Count Alexey Vronsky | Mattie Silver |
| Yuri Zhivago | Becky Thatcher |
Don't go into a state of suspended animation. Read the comic strips and discover a graphic kind of literature. Identify the illustrutrious cartoon female joined with each of the cartoon males below:
Dagwood Bumstead, Dick Tracy, Donald Duck, Dudley Do-right, Fred Flintstone, Homer Simpson, Jimbo, Li'l Abner, Mickey Mouse, Popeye, Porky Pig, Schroeder, Tubby
Literary characters:
Charlie Allnut/Rose Sayer, Rodolphe Boulanger/Emma Bovary, Rhett Butler/Scarlet O'Hara, Angel Clare/Tess Durbeyfield, Mr. Darcy/Elizabeth Bennett, Cyrano deBergerac/Roxanne, Arthur Dimmesdale/Hester Prynne, Ethan Frome/Mattie Silver, Jay Gatsby/Daisy Fay Buchanan, Heathcliff/Catherine Earnshaw, Frederick Henry/Catherine Barkeley, Henry Higgins/Eliza Doolittle, Robin Hood/Maid Marian, Ivanhoe/Rowena, Sir Lancelot/Guinevere, Oliver Mellors/Connie Chatterly, Paolo/Francesca, Pip/Estella, Quasimodo/Esmeralda, Don Quixote/Dulcinea, Edward Rochester/Jane Eyre, Tom Sawyer/Becky Thatcher, Tristan/Iseult, Yuri Zhivago/Lara Foedeovna
Cartoon characters:
Dagwood Bumstead/Blondie, Dick Tracy/Tess Truehart, Donald Duck/Daisy Duck, Dudley Do-right/Nell Fenwick, Fred Flintstone/Wilma Flintstone, Homer Simpson/Marge Simpson, Jimbo/Rose, Li'l Abner/Daisy May, Mickey Mouse/Minnie Mouse, Popeye/Olive Oyl, Porky Pig/Petunia Pig, Schroeder/Lucy, Tubby/Little Lulu
© Richard Lederer
In the early days of the 20th century (remember that one?), a college professor explained, "To understand America, you must understand baseball." Not only is baseball America's pastime but the most pervasive athletic metaphor in the American language. Whether or not we're fans, we speak baseballese just about every day, and all year round.
Fill in each blank below with a common word or phrase that has its origins in baseball. Don't worry. I won't throw you any curveballs. In fact, right off the bat, I'll offer an example for you to bat around: "I know you won't quit. You'll always be IN THERE PITCHING."
1. first base 2. left field 3. two strikes 4. home run 5. ballpark 6. hardball 7. smash hit 8. touch base 9. rain check 10. off the bat 11.screwball 12. pinch-hit 13. major league 14. bush league/minor league 15. play the field
© Richard Lederer
To claim that acting Shakespeare at such an early age is premature and unrealistic is like saying that learning a foreign language in elementary school is premature and unrealistic. We know that children's minds are like sponges that soak up foreign languages. The same is true with the works of Shakespeare; children show an extraordinary affinity to the poetry, rhythms, and themes of Shakespeare's plays and sonnets. The Bard himself wrote to be acted, not to be read, and the children did much more than simply read the lines: They truly performed.
Because Shakespeare's works have been widely read in schools for centuries, many generations of students in their essays have gone from bard to verse. Here then is a string of the brightest uncut and unpolished student gems:
© Richard Lederer
Top of Page
Home